Saturday, January 14, 2012

Gnomes in the Cupboard

Kelly Picard, Shock and Ahh!'s resident Crytptozoologist, files this report sure to get the tin-foil hat crowd buzzing:

For the last 12 years or so I have been researching all kinds of paranormal phenomena and Cryptic subjects.  I come to you now with my first report about the Cupboard Gnome. The majority people in North America have no idea that a mischievous little creature has already invaded their kitchen cupboards, taking all the sugar and spices their little feet can carry. And what do we know about Gnomes to begin with?

Editor's Note** A primary distinguishing fact between elves and gnomes is that one is okay to think about while masturbating, also Gnomes wear hats.

Gnomes are well known for their Alchemy and inventive ways. Could there be a malicious intent to their potions? And just how do they break into secure homes? 

There have been hundreds of reports of Gnome (Latin: Gnomus) sightings in the last century, all with the same result; Sugar and spices gone, and tiny footprints found on top of the kitchen counter, leading outside. What do they need spices for? It is said that this type of Gnome favors sugar or nutmeg as the chief ingredient for its incantations. 

This is a real quote, I shit you not.

Most baffling of all is how they break into homes undetected. My theory is that any potions brewed and consumed may give the Gnome magical powers such as camouflage or invisibility, even perhaps a shrinking potion, making the Gnome even harder to catch.

Gnome captured on video in Argentina.

Tips for Repelling The Cupboard Gnome
  • Lock your kitchen cupboards and pantry at night.
  • Store sugar and other spices in glass jars or plastic locking containers.
  • Secure all windows and doors.
  • Install LED porch lights---they hate those!
  • Refrain from playing flute music as this attracts all manner of Gnome.
  • Do not practice Alchemy, magic tricks or store shiny gold coins in your home.

Baiting the elusive Gnome.

Included in my post is an image of yours truly discovering gnome footprints for the very first time on Monday, January 9th, 2012. My wait for the elusive Gnome continued well into Tuesday morning of January 10th, but by 3am I decided to call it a night and be thankful for the prints he/she left behind. 

Fig. 1d Gnome tracks.
Luckily the sun had melted everything but the tracks and I was able to take another picture with a tape measure to provide a sense of scale in relation to the prints.  The tracks were about 1ft in length, each print approximately 2 ½ inches.   I leave it to the reader to draw his or her own conclusions but the evidence cannot be ignored.  

Fig 1b, illustration of subterranean Gnome tunnels.

My theory is the Gnome ran out from the back patio, under the fence and into a nearby tree, where he would enter from a secret hole and that he would then use a series of tunnels to make his way back to his underground Gnome village where others would be waiting to create new elixirs and flasks, thus improving their stealth-like abilities.  

Fig. 1c, illustration of the average Gnome domicile.

I have no further information on the elusive Cupboard Gnome and as the months pass I shall be bringing you new stories just as curious. As the investigation continues, it's important to keep in mind the words of Jon Downes of the Centre for Fortean Zoology: "That cryptozoology, and the other related subjects which we study are a true science and we work towards having it taken seriously as such by the wider scientific community."

The hunt continues...

Kelly Picard’s Website & Blog :

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