Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It's Oscar Season, Feel the Buzz!

Our resident Misanthrope, Mr. Boba Cash, weighs in on the this season's best picture fare...
Not then, not now, not ever.


Tis that time of year again wherein the collective suckbags come up for air and trot out their heavily bought and campaigned for nominations for the golden knob suck jobs, the Oscars for a 5 minute montage of moments in movies before burying their faces back into the orgiastic pile of shit they love smearing and parading about in.


I guess what I want to say is, fuck the Oscars.  Here are your 2012 nominees for Best Picture:

La Artist, french for The Artist.

The Artist
Oooo look at how good Hollywood used to be, here is a story of a man, his dog and some shit in silence.  Look at these smug fuckers running around winking at the audience the entire time saying oooo aaaahhhh I'm silent I, am better than you, cause I am intense in seeing my vision.  The air conditioning man from Community is in it though.






The Descendants



Eh, I heard good things about cheating on your spouse and having your kids hate you for wearing crocs and Hawaiin shirts.

God spare us though, from another George Clooney stroke-fest circa 2009.  He's almost as bad James Cameron.  Could be worse, they could have nominated Avatar again.





Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close 
Oooo the white man’s blindside…wait, Oh I thought it was me playing Just Cause 2 again, stealing airplanes and shit.  9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11 9/11.  My dad died and I can’t find one lock in all of NYC.  Lots of people died, and some didn’t have a will, so massive corporations took their estates leaving the families penniless and completely alone.  DEAL WITH THAT.  Sad though, no one likes watching children suffer, We'll except him.







The Help - docudrama about the shitty way white people treated others. Nuff said.





HUGO
Martin Short Scorcese's "ooo look at me I am making a movie about how great old movies used to be."  Just like Aviator, Shutter Island EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER DONE IS A CLASSIC FILM, SO NOW I AM MAKING A CLASSIC FILM ABOUT CLASSIC FILM.  That being said, meh I have heard good things. BUT THIS COULD have been about French Batman who grows up under the wonderful Ghandi and teams up with Borat to fight crime.  They love me, they truly love me!






"If we don't win, I'll off myself right this time."

Midnight in Paris

Hemingway doesn’t fight anyone and Woody Allen returns to form.  Something about English majors drinking and talking.

Uhh not the Last Tango in Paris sequel.  I looked like an asshole showing up to the theatre with a stick of butter and a hungry look in my eyes.








Brad Pitt and Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker.

Moneyball 

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO JONAH HILL?  He looks like a spoon.  GIANT head that is too big for his emaciated core.  Why is the detective from Seven a rich white dude running a baseball team?
LOOK AMERICA, BASEBALL, YOU LOVE BASEBALL.  Here is how the nerds saved the jocks.  Please don’t beat on ‘em.




Tree of Life 

After WWII Lt. Aldo Raine returns to his hot ass wife and kids in Ah-Muhrica with a bag load of Nazi scalps and tries to be a good Christian man, while his wife rides the giant dildo funhouse of atheism.



More or Less.  Man, got nothin' on Captain Corelli's Mandolin, though.







War Horse

Taking his theme of family unity to equestrian heights, Spielberg tricks us into watching a selfish asshole endanger everyone’s lives to get his horse back in the middle of the Great War.

SPOILER The horse drowns in the mud of Flanders so everyone cuts it up for warm food, then dies in a mustard gas attack.



Once again, Hollywood continues to blow itself and become more irrelevant....

....Not going to lie, I've not seen a single one of the films that were nominated for best picture.

Afterword

Fuck yeah the Muppets got nominated!  What song?  Man or Muppet....horseshit, you just don't want Muppets on stage.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GODDAMNED ATROCITY?  How about Pictures in My fucking Head, a song that could make anyone eat a gun.  WHY AREN'T the MUPPETS AND ANNE HATHAWAY HOSTING a 2 hour event.  It would be the best thing ever..

There was a movie one year, and the entire thing took place in a fucking tank, THERE is an idea!  I saw Melancholia, and it left my physically shaking, brilliant, sharp, funny, tragic, beautiful.  Also why haven't any of Wes Anderson's films been nominated?  They did recognize LOTR though, and that was laudable.  Did Alien win?  so many questions!

**Editor's Note: It is beyond the staff's comprehension that Fincher can be snubbed in the Best Picture category for 2 consecutive years.  I understand Tattoo'd Dragon Chick is technically a remake but its omission from Best Pic nomination is enough to make us string up Tom Sherak, Sid Ganis, and possibly even James L. Brooks in our secret basement Enya torture chamber - maybe also give Annette Benning a Christopher Plummer-style, backhanded love-tap.

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