Why the World ain't Going Anywhere in 2012

From the sharp pain firing through my skull on this fine New Year's Day, I can tell that 2012 is upon us. Which means as we get closer to “dooms day,” you can’t read a newspaper or turn on the TV without hearing all of that end of the world shit.

Just the other night, I had the Discovery Channel on and there was this spooky documentary on about all the spooktacularly entertaining prophesies from all the ancient cultures.

The basis of the argument, so I surmise from watching and reading all of this stuff, is as follows: a number of ancient cultures (the Mayans chiefly among them) have apparently predicted a number of astronomic and seismic world events that all point to 2012, specifically December 21st 2012, as the day the world will end. Boom!

Why December 21st, I don’t exactly recall, it’s just before Christmas, the weather is shitty and you’re stuck at home with your family. Enough people already off themselves around the holidays anyway so I guess it kind of makes sense in some cosmically-emo way.

Don't cry yet, it's only going to get waaay worse.

But why the year 2012? It seems like such an arbitrary year. It’s because that’s where the dart landed on the board. Right between “Jager-bomb” and “punch the player to your left in the tit.” The reason it’s 2012 according to people in “the sky is falling” community, is because in 2012, for the first time in 24,000 years, all of the planets in our solar system, including Mr. Sun, will be in perfect alignment with the centre of the Galaxy... And no one gives a shit. How is that any more significant than anything else happening in the universe that week?

Stuff like this happens all the time, the moon, the sun, and the earth all line up. It’s called an eclipse. What happens then? The weatherman says “don’t look at the sun today, it’ll hurt your eyes.” No different than any other day of the week and changes nothing in my life:

“Hey Mike, did you see that eclipse yesterday?” “Huh?” “Yeah, there was a big eclipse, it was really bright.” “No, Gary what the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you walking around looking up at eclipses, watch where you’re going, you could cause an accident or step in shit and ruin your shoes. By the way where’s that forty bucks you owe me? Stop looking up in the sky and get a job, I have a bills to pay too you know, dick."

Anyway 2012, planets will be in line with the centre of the galaxy and nobody will give a shit. The next thing they say is proof that the world will end is that the world is already descending into chaos: Terrorism, violence, the economy, Global Warming, and The Jersey Shore – all are signs that the end times draw nigh because, as the prophecies say, bad shit is going to go down.

Praise The Great God Kool-Aid Man.

These prophecies historically, whether forecast by the Mayan Calender, Nostradamus, or that crazy preacher dude, are so ridiculously vague as to be completely meaningless. Most read as follows: “The sky will become a tangle of webs and a great fire will streak across the earth, spewing ash and raining fire.”

Empty threats, you see that’s the kind of shit Mom’s tell their kids when they won’t brush their teeth, “Jimmy, you better get your PJs on or I’ll send your father up there to let loose the eternal fires of the equinox to block out the sun for a thousands nights conjuring a black hole from which not even light and time can escape!” “Fuck off, Mom.”

"Y'all gonna burn!"

Now if you’ve been watching TV for the last ten years, you might think that seems to be the case. Now look, my friends I have good news on that front - See, things are just as shitty now as they have always been. Since the eruption of Pompeii, landslides, hurricanes, tsunamis – From 9/11, to Columbine, the Holocaust, Rwanda. Between violence committed by mankind and by Mother Nature against mankind, things are no worse now than they’ve ever been.

The only difference is we have 24-hour a day news coverage and a million ways of getting instant updates about what’s going on in the world, and since bad news travels faster than good news, it naturally seems like more bad shit is going down. A hundred years ago, nobody could post on twitter, “Titanic just sank, hope Marissa is ok, o_O.” Or change their F-book status to “Pierre is bummed cuz the Nazis just took over France.”

Futility at Sea.

You’ll be happy to know that with better vaccines and other medical breakthroughs, in fact everybody’s living healthier and longer than ever before; seat-belts are the law, no more lead paint, and smokers are heckled worse than child molesters. To be honest, it’s never been safer to be alive. Just ask the 7 Billionth baby born this year.

Another point that 2012 experts love to toss out there is that all the dates in the ancient Mayan calendar, the Hindu Calendar, and ancient Chinese number systems all correspond to disasters and point to 2012 as the last year of existence.

Now the problem with applying our fucked up 12-month-February has only 28 days-except every four years, spring forward – fall back calendar to the calendars of the ancient world is that they all have a different number of days per month, different number of months per year and are all off by hundreds of fucking years from each other. That’s like trying to catch a flight on Monday at Pearson Airport using a bus schedule from 1962 Uzbekistan. It doesn’t really work.

This is what we should really be worried about.

By the way, the people who are saying all this shit about 2012 and how world events have all been foretold as signs of the apocalypse, the empty headed “experts” they interview in these documentaries – they don’t stop to think about how what they’re saying impacts people. Saying that an event happened, that people died in the Tsunami or Hurricane Katrina, or in the Haiti Earthquake because it makes sense as part of your sick end-of-the-world fantasy is just as childish, insensitive and fucked up as when Pat Robertson says that Haiti was being punished because they made a deal with the devil or Katrina happened because a lezzy won a fucking daytime Emmy award.


If we can take anything as certain about 2012 it's that, for the most part, life will go on as it has for thousands of human years. We're all gonna meet new people, learn something new, forget stuff, say things we regret, make a friend, deal with love, joy, death, and all that beautiful gay stuff we call the human experience. So raise a glass to 2012 and many years more, assured that a few alarmist fuck-tards will be dead wrong this time just like they've been every other time.

And hey, if you're so eager to get a fix for your gloom and doom kink, I suggest picking up any book on cosmology written in the last 50 years. Remember the essential rules of Entropy, all we need is just a little patience...

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