Up, Up and Away in My Beautiful Balloon!

​Whoah there, Jules Verne - appreciate the matching tux and Balloon.

A long time ago when I was maybe eight or nine years old, I slept through a summer afternoon trying to break a fever. I awoke late in the day to the commotion of a crowd gathering outside the house and dashed downstairs in a daze. What was everyone looking at, I pondered in my sleepy sick state until I stumbled onto the front lawn. I looked to the right of me, I looked to the left.

From that height, it'll be like a block of cement chucked off an overpass into oncoming traffic.

Then I looked up to see something I will never forget. Slowly descending closer and closer to my roof was a massive red balloon; it eclipsed the entire sky. And dangling below it was what I refer to as the balloons testicles but is really just a basket of two pricks. They waved down at us and everyone who was watching waved back as the balloon people kept pulling that thing that makes balloon fire in an attempt to gain altitude. I vowed vengeance that day.

They're just so fackin gay, I know you don't like me using that word, but fuck, just look at them.

The next time you see a hot air balloon floating gracefully in the evening sky, imagine how satisfying it would be to fire some kind of projectile towards it, popping the canvas and allowing all that hot air to escape. I myself enjoy character balloons. There is nothing more rewarding in this world then popping a giant Tony the Tiger and following it’s trail down towards the city; extra points if your balloon lands on a playground and smothers some children. But I digestable.

Gumby takes the Dirigable Subway.

I'm cool with balloons on a smaller scale like at a birthday party, especially if I get a chance to get doped up on helium and start going off on a rant. Somehow vulgarity, ethnic slurs, and even the “C” word (not cancer, I mean cunt) come off so much funnier when the you sound like sound like Alvin.

Conversely, I'm even cool with larger scale dirigibles like the Hindenburg, since that thing went down like a boss. However even to this day, the normally merry site of a colourful canvas bulb with a basket pisses me off.

Rare occurance in nature: a Fail so big it becomes Awesome.

So to get me through an encounter when they start popping up, I came up with a little guided meditation that you can feel free to employ in your own encounters with whatever it is you despise. Upon glimpsing one in the sky, I simply take a deep breath, close my little eyes, and repeat the following mantra:

Behold, a big red hot-air balloon. Can you see it, up there in the sky? Such a pretty balloon it is. Can you see that it’s coming down low enough for you to make out the shapes of people in the basket? See them pulling on the chain to make fire so the balloon can go higher and higher? Good.

Now picture that same balloon with the same people in the basket only this time the machine that makes the fire for the balloon to go higher and higher in the sky has exploded and the canvas of the balloon is catching fire. Do you see it? The balloon is starting to fall down to the ground really quickly.

Can you see the people in the balloon? No? You’re right; the flames are too big to see them. Good for you! Keep watching, I think the balloon is falling really, very fast now isn’t it? Oh my. I sure hope they land in a big swimming pool. Don’t you?

What a pretty balloon it was :(

Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square