Vampires Suck

I've never understood the obsession in pop-culture with Vampires. Same with Zombies while we're at it. Guess I've always been more of a cybernetic organism fan -- Gimmie mad science over the occult anyday.

Lurking in the shadows, on the very precipice of our darkest nightmares are creatures of pure heart stopping terror. Tall, dark and mysterious they have struck fear into the hearts of every culture on the planet, the very reflections of Lucifer himself: Vampires.

Wesley's bout to go Demolition Man on them pasty kids.

They are the stalkers of the night who roam in search of young, beautiful victims from whom to drain the very life. The undead that have for centuries existed only in folklore emerging upon nightfall to feast upon the living, are not but rumors and superstition, they exist in our present, living among us.

Today’s modern vampire has, of course, had to evolve to stay with the societal trends. The F.W. Murnau image of the coffin dwelling, sunlight and garlic fearing man-beast is very much a thing of the past. Whereas in the vampires of lore lived in secret, like spiders of the night baiting their victims with webs of sensual passion, concealing their murderous agendas, the vampire of the 21st century takes a much less deceitful approach.

"I'm more of a Pranic Vampire, persay."

Today’s killers of the night carry the stigma of being “openly vampire.” While varying in age, most are white, underweight males who are socially inept, marking their faces with eyeliner, concealing their eyes beneath round sunglasses while garbed in flowing black overcoats, and usually working the 5 to 10pm shift at your local telemarketing firm.

Meet Pat, he's "openly" retarded.

And they absolutely love Anne Rice, and worse, the kids are nuts for Stephenie Meyer. They gobble down every page of vampire fiction as it comes of the press; the vampire in the know won’t be found haunting any belfries or castles, preferring to creep murderously round the two for one clearance sale at Chapters like a black widow towards her helpless prey. They creep across the world-wide-web hooking up with other necro-maniacal incubi through sinister RPG’s, arranging blood-drinking rituals in the High Priest’s grandma’s basement while she's at bingo. Kinky shit.

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