The End is Nigh! And We Were Worried About the "Fiscal Cliff..."

Pull up your boot straps, get out your tinfoil hat, and start praying to whatever god in which you believe, coz' it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel...well not too shabby at least. Since this Friday, December 21st is suppose to mark the end of all civilization, according to what we can only call prudently examined scientific data, it's curious to notice that most of the hullabaloo has died down the closer we get to zero hour.

NASA seems sure enough that no mysterious planet X is going to collide with the Earth. They're at least confident enough to have supported sending a Canadian to the International Space Station this week. He'll be taking command of the station in March assuming he hasn't let weightless globs of maple syrup clog the instruments while he was too busy jammin out Neil Young or The Guess Who on his guitar.

Seriously, Christ Hadfield has played rock in roll in space. He is a spaceship superstar.

Everything you have ever done with your life is irrelevant.

To summarize why we've heard nothing but "' time..." from “the sky is falling” community is because they never had a single decent argument for their apocalyptic wet dream. Allow me to reiterate some of the finer points of disagreement from an post on the subject, Why the World Ain't Goin Anywhere in 2012:

Probably the easiest to remember, and most visually interesting argument the doomsdayers put forth was that this Friday, all of the planets in our solar system, including Mr. Sun, will be in perfect alignment with the centre of the Galaxy... And no one gives a shit. How is that any more significant than anything else happening in the universe that week?

Stuff like this happens all the time, the moon, the sun, and the earth all line up. It’s called an eclipse. What happens then? The weatherman says “don’t look at the sun today, it’ll hurt your eyes.” No different than any other day of the week and changes nothing in my life.

But what about the fact that society is spinning down the drain? Mass shootings, obesity, underage drinking, and student truancy, etc. all are intended to underscore that predictions cite such chaos as a harbinger of end times.

"Now I'm sittn' here by myself, uh..uh talking to myself, THAT's chaos theory..."

If you've been watching TV for the last ten years, you might think that seems to be the case. Now look, my friends I have good news on that front - See, things are just as shitty now as they have always been. Since the eruption of Pompeii, landslides, hurricanes, tsunamis – From 9/11, to Columbine, the Holocaust, Rwanda. Between violence committed by mankind and by Mother Nature against mankind, things are no worse now than they've ever been.

The only difference is we have 24-hour a day news coverage and a million ways of getting instant updates about what’s going on in the world, and since bad news travels faster than good news, it naturally seems like more bad shit is going down. A hundred years ago, nobody could post on twitter, “Titanic just sank, hope Marissa is ok, o_O.” Or change their F-book status to “Pierre is bummed cuz the Nazis just took over France.”

You’ll be happy to know that with better vaccines and other medical breakthroughs, in fact everybody’s living healthier and longer than ever before; seat-belts are the law, no more lead paint, and smokers are heckled worse than child molesters. To be honest, it’s never been safer to be alive. Just ask the 7 Billionth baby born last year.

Another point that 2012 experts love to toss out there is that all the dates in the ancient Mayan calendar, the Hindu Calendar, and ancient Chinese number systems all correspond to disasters and point to 2012 as the last year of existence. Now the problem with applying our fucked up 12-month-February has only 28 days-except every four years, spring forward – fall back calendar to the calendars of the ancient world is that they all have a different number of days per month, different number of months per year and are all off by hundreds of fucking years from each other. That’s like trying to catch a flight on Monday at Pearson Airport using a bus schedule from 1962 Uzbekistan. It doesn't really work.

If we can take anything as certain about 2012 it's that, for the most part, life will go on as it has for thousands of human years. We're all gonna meet new people, learn something new, forget stuff, say things we regret, make a friend, deal with love, joy, death, and all that beautiful gay-ass stuff we call the human experience. So raise a glass of welcome to 2013 and many years more, assured that a few alarmist fuck-tards will be dead wrong this time just like they've been every other time. And if I'm wrong, well nobody's gonna be left to call me on it, so....yeah...

And hey, if you're so eager to get a fix for your gloom and doom kink, just remember this charming little factoid: in 4 billion years, the sun is going to blow the fuck up. So, my friends, hold your horses, we'll get the annihilation you so desperately crave...

Featured Posts
Recent Posts
Follow Us
  • Facebook Basic Square
  • Twitter Basic Square
  • Google+ Basic Square