Tales of Terror! Offensive Lego, Crazy North Korea, and More!

Terrorists from Londonistan, Canada -- Lego Accused of Selling "offensive" Jabba's Palace Playset

In my dear home town of London, Ontario, a couple boys got interested in a special club. It's a semi-secret club, one you can be proud of and one that most members thereof join to find fulfillment and peace in their lives. The problem is, this club also has a secret back entrance for a select group of VIP members -- to become a VIP, just take everything written in the official clubhouse rule book as absolute literal truth and add a staggering dose of perpetual victim-hood mixed with paranoia. The combination isn't always potent but works best when introduced to young, confused adolescent males. Mix ingredients together and let simmer in the dark and voila, radical Islam.

In this instance, the two boys Xristos Katsiroubas and Ali Medlej were in so deep that they even traveled to Algeria to help murder 40 people before immolating themselves. It's a pretty intense club and one that doesn't mix well with angry young men. Across the pond, other young members of that club have taken to patrolling the public streets, threatening and harassing non-club members, calling themselves "patrols." It's the only club on the planet that can illicit apologies and self-censorship from those it threatens with violence.

And since we don't wish to offend a miniscule but violent, perverted minority of VIPs who belong to this club, we'll promise to be more understanding and paint all the billions of innocent people who make up this club as violent antagonists, and what better way than entertain complaints about a LEGO Jabba's palace because it looks too much like the Dome of the Rock.

Showing remarkable arrogance that recalls the days of the travelling preacher man spewing vitriol from the back of the wagon, Turkish Muslims in Austria (which sounds like the title of a really un-entertaining porno) demanded that Lego pull their playset because, well as they said:

Melissa Gunes - general secretary of the Turkish cultural association - said : "In this Lego set Jabba is portrayed as the bad man.

"He also smokes an oriental water pipe, and keeps a princess as a belly dancer in chains. That is the sort of thing that does not belong in a child's bedroom."

And a picture of the Satanic-horned baddie Darth Maul on the packaging was described as "shocking."

Why do we care what these people think? Staggering amounts of fear and bullshit continue to win over common sense, the rarest natural resource on this planet.

Old People Discover the Internet, Get Angry

Remember Counterstrike, the first-person shooter with custom maps? The coolest part was that you could recreate places around town and have gun fights with your pals. Well, in Port Moody, British Columbia, some boring grown-ups who have never seen a video game collided head on with a custom map that some former students of a local high school whipped up. Confused and angered, people are demanding that the game developers "do something" about the user-generated content. They're upset because video games, according to every study ever conducted in their imaginations, are the primary cause of school shootings (right after swing music and Bart Simpson t-shirts).

The students who designed the map for the game gave the explanation that they wanted to add relatable environments to the game -- an explanation that pretty much anyone who has ever played a fucking video game will understand. You take a look at the hip cats they interview in this clip of sensationalist, mediocre journalism from the CBC news and decide how much stock you want to put in their assessment of technology, entertainment, and psychology.

These are the same people who spend all day sitting on their porch, glaring at everyone who walks by. Especially that strange Google Streetview van..."I don't like the looks of them teenagers and their whatchumajigger..."

North Korea Continues Downward Spiral

North Korea can no longer maintain its fine, convincing facade of lucidity as every minute, a new threat is issued against the South and the United States. This living model of George Orwell's 1984 has made noise before but now they've actually said they're gonna nuke the U.S. The problem with North Korea is two-fold: this rogue state is a suicidal, hyper religious cult of personality that gains nothing from the outside world except for tons of relief rice. Its citizens are poor, starving and must contend with every nightmarish example of intrusion by the totalitarian government that enslaves them. A government which also HAS THE FUCKING BOMB. Albeit small the bombs and no good way of hitting anything outside the Pacific.

Which brings us to the second issue, the fact that while a dickless lunatic runs his country, a country that he believes to be a worker's paradise fully armed and intent on war knowing full well that only self-destruction will result -- nobody does shit about it. All the usual super powers in the world keep bitching about Iran as the biggest threat. No. It's North Korea goddammit. Ahmadinejad thinks one day he will die and go to paradise. Kim Jong Un believes North Korea IS PARADISE.

Crazy Asshole Shoots Horse Just to Make the World Mad

A fellar' down south named Tim Sappington decided it would be very constructive to add to the seething debate of a horse slaughtering plant, a video of him shooting a beautiful horse point-blank in the head. The animal was killed for the purpose of consuming its meat and was, in principle, the same thing that happens in abattoirs across the country everyday, except the context alone makes it a grotesque display.

That, and Tim Sappington looked at the camera and said "all you animal activists, fuck you," before putting a bullet in this animal's head, an animal that moments before, follows Sappington, flicks its tail, and lets him pat its nose and stands there oblivious as its owner points a gun between its eyes.


What he did was not technically illegal because he ate the thing (who the fuck eats horse meat, really, I'd sooner eat a dog for fuck's sake) but the piece of shit did get fired after his supervisors began receiving tons of death threats over the video. Mob justice is sometimes the closest thing to actual justice...

Anywhore, that's all for this week in Tales of Terror! Until next time, keep your eyes peeled for more madness and bullshit from 'round the globe - I promise you won't have to look long.

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