American Weenus Mauled by Polar Bear: Canada's Fault


Parks Canada, which oversees the countries many sprawling national parks, should do more to prevent Polar Bears from attacking rich members of the Sierra Club, claims a group of Sierra Club hikers after one of their pals almost got his head ripped off by the same animal depicted on the "toonie."

As depicted on Canadian currency.

The victim, a lawyer named Matt Dyer and his fellow American pals, were on a hiking trip in the remote bear country of Torngat Mountains National Park, in northern Labradoodle. The group claims now that they were either misinformed, or somehow had their preparedness undermined when they were not offered an armed bear guard by the local private outfitter and instead relied on a portable electric fence to ward off dangerous animals. "The bear fence advertisement said it works as a deterrent," whined one of the hikers to the CBC. Worst of all, the hikers weren't shown a video on proper bear safety! No really, this is their smoking gun.

Here you go, Matt...

Parks Canada is now undergoing a review of their general safety policies regarding preparing registered campers and hikers for entering the remote areas in the bush. A spokesman for Parks Canada, Peter Deering, did a lovely job of backhanding the idiot hikers saying that, in addition to reviewing their own policies, they'll ensure that members of the Sierra Club and other white collar thrill seekers are aware when they plan their little trips that "there is some risk here beyond those risks that are already clearly defined on the website." It's roughly the equivalent of saying they'll make sure visitors to Jurassic Park are aware that the island may contain dinosaurs.

Now full disclosure, I realize this must have been a horrifying experience for Matt and his friends, however my judgement is clouded by a few things. Firstly, this was a group of well-educated doctors and lawyers from the city. Second, they presume to tell Parks Canada their business as customers of a third party adventure club, in this case the Sierra Club for high-rolling pseudo-explorers. Finally, I'm a man of humble means from very humble beginnings which has left me with a callous, sadistic streak when it comes to the misfortunes, few as they come, of the rich.

By all means thank goodness no one was killed...but, I must admit the thought of a lawyer being thrashed around in the jaws of a Polar Bear while his doctor pals look on, all while trapped in the cold baron north of my beautiful home and native land, fills me with a warm and fuzzy glow. I imagine the only previous exposure these intrepid adventurers had to Polar Bears was Coke ads around Christmas time.

The entire episode can be written off as another example of entitlement at odds with personal responsibility. Someone has every right to go hiking in bear country but they have the responsibility to be proactive about their own safety. That's not to say it's their own damn fault, it's to say sometimes the BEAR MINIMUM amount of protection isn't enough. Portable electric fence, shiiiiit.

Gun beats electric fence every time...err..wait

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