He Will Make You a Belieber...


So now that the Biebs has been caught red handed in the wrong, can we please begin the task of moving forward without him. I mean, it'd be nice if he used this as an example to be a role model and told his fans, "I fucked up and now I need to make things right #newleaf." But that's not likely, and I 'd even say far too much to expect of someone upon whom the world has never placed any demands of accountability.

We interrupt this program on Orwellian state surveillance to bring you a message from the Ministry of Love.

Failing that, hopefully his legions of fans, the incorrigible Beliebers, will erupt into in-fighting and chaos, eventually tearing themselves apart and moving on to another obsession, leaving their idol in the dustbin of pop culture history.

In the style of Michael Jackson's last trial, the pop star hopped up on top of an SUV to wave to his fans who'd gathered to support him, the evidence of his shit-baggery not withstanding. To be fair, Michael Jackson was facing accusations, presumed innocent until found guilty, whereas the Biebs was caught red-bloody-handed street racing while drunk behind the wheel.

Of course you can always count on your dad to defend you:

We are the Biebers, you will be assimilated, resistance is futile. Watch this and then kill yourself:

Listening to the exhaustive coverage of the Bieb's arrest got me thinking. Last November, with the death of Paul Walker, the Twitterverse erupted in an epidemic of improper use of the concept of irony. Although his death was not ironic, rather an example of tragic coincidence, it does become ironic by comparison to Bieber's predicament.

Here's true irony for you: Paul Walker, star of a film franchise about street racing, dies in a car crash as a passenger while NOT street racing -- no evidence of alcohol or drugs. By comparison, the Biebs gets arrested after walking away unharmed from street racing while drunk and high.

I just pray they don't revoke his visa and deport him back to my country...

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